What does your choice of social media say about you?
You’re a regular person. You’ve got a well-rounded life with a partner, kids, career and an interesting hobby. Your other hobby is oversharing. Anyone who doesn’t care about the next episode in the school hair nits debacle can take solace in scrolling through photos from your recent extreme crocheting weekender.
Oh you were in your school debating society, weren’t you? You with your political insights and slightly pompous opinions? Thank heavens you’re limited to 280 characters every time you want to fart your thoughts out across the internet.
Literally all you can do with this app is post pictures of yourself looking pretty and then wait for your followers to confirm that yes, you look pretty today. There’s no room for discussion or opinion, just an endless cycle of beauty and validation. Your personal brand image dictates your every move. In real life you’re actually quite boring.
Originally used exclusively by those who enjoyed distributing unsolicited genital images, Snapchat’s main purpose now is to share your drunken exploits with everyone who wasn’t at the same pub as you last night. You’ve been embellishing your selfies with stars and cat ears for years, so when Instagram finally introduced all the same filters it was like the Kardashians were trying to keep up with the high street. You're a local girl with a big heart.
Vero launched in 2015. Everyone with a brand to promote joined the network. No-one else ever joined. Vero now supports emerging artists, of the grown up and sophisticated variety, across all creative disciplines. If you’re using Vero, you’re probably rich and talented.
A place for professional people to share their industry insights, thought leadership and work related news. And then there’s you. Reposting inspirational status essays written by a fitness brand influencer, who is actually now in jail for conning her followers into buying miracle healing tea products made entirely from dried up lettuce. You’re everyone’s earnest but embarrassing co-worker, and you always will be.
YouTube video creators can make real income from streaming, so if you’re posting videos and people who aren’t your mates are watching them, congrats! You’re not necessarily talented, but you have hit on a formula that makes people click, subscribe and share. If on the other hand you spend all day sharing your innermost thoughts in the YouTube comments section, you’re most definitely male, on the dole and have a questionable approach to personal hygiene.
You’re doing something in the entertainment business and just want to make very, very sure that you’ve got a presence in every searchable corner of the internet. Or else you’re the stalwart American reality TV and game show contestant Ken Scalir, who is the last known human to be using Myspace as his primary social media platform.
It’s dead. Presumably then so are you.
Nicki Ranger is a freelance writer currently based in Perth, Western Australia.
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