I am aware that some of my friends ride bikes. I am aware that in many lovely cities such as Cambridge and Amsterdam, many people ride bikes. Some people ride bikes for legitimate reasons, although if you are not a courier or a postie, please explain. But are you a person who happens to ride a bike sometimes, or are you one of those damn cyclists?
1) Cyclists Risk Their Lives Every Day To Make A Point
Every day, I see cyclists riding in the city bus lanes, clearly looking vulnerable in between the buses which are, you know, much larger and faster and surely look a little bit threatening from down there on a bike? Dear cyclist, I know you are adamant that your bike is a legitimate mode of transport, but you could actually be on that bus to work, instead of cycling along in front of it, slowing the bus down and putting yourself in danger. If you want to be fit and healthy, get the bus half way to work and then run the rest. You can ride your bike round the park or down to the beach at the weekend.
2) Cyclists Are Surprised When Pedestrians Don’t See Them
I’m trying to cross a road. I look left and right, looking for large moving metal things that can kill me. Sorry dear cyclist, you tend to blend in with the row of parked cars in my peripheral vision and sometimes I just can’t see you. On such a occasion, when you have to stop suddenly because I stepped out, don’t turn round and call me a stupid b!tch when you are not even wearing your stack hat!
3) Cyclists Don’t Use Cycle Lanes
The City of Sydney council has gone to the trouble of installing a network of cycle paths around the city. In some places, the footpath has even been narrowed to make room for cycle paths. And yet, some cyclists don’t use them. Do you think you are too good for the cycle path? Do you think cycle paths are only for women and children, an output of the nanny state always trying to keep you safely cosseted as you go about your daily life? What makes you see a perfectly good cycle path and then cycle on the road anyway, or in a bus lane on a road that runs parallel to a much quieter road that has a purpose built cycle lane?!
4) The Male Of The Species Wears Lycra
Ah yes, the classic complaint about serious cyclists. But at least the lycra brigade also always remember to wear a stack hat (see point 2) above).
5) Even Professional Cyclists Need Help To Keep It Up
Yep, I admit, I had a bit of a laugh as the cycling doping scandal unfolded. Seems that back in the days of lesser drug testing, go-faster shots were served up every morning with a side of freshly laundered lycra to pros and wannabes alike. Let’s be honest, if you weren’t pumped up on something or other, why would you want to ride a bike really fast all day long anyway?
In the interests of full disclosure, the author feels obliged to tell you that she can’t actually ride a bike, but she does not feel that this has had any negative impact on her life, or on her opinions.
Nicki Ranger is a freelance writer currently based in Perth, Western Australia.
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